My Ultimate Address

I’ve sometimes thought about what should happen to my body after life leaves it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be placed in a coffin, slowly consumed by voracious bacteria, only to have my bones eventually stored in a small urn inside a tomb — for all eternity.

I’d prefer cremation, but only after the removal of any organs still useful to others. Then comes the next dilemma: what to do with the ashes. I’d hate the idea of ending up in an urn on someone’s bookshelf. Imagine if someone had a moment of insanity — like Keith Richards — and decided to sniff me!

I’m a devoted supporter of a Brazilian soccer team, Internacional from Porto Alegre. It would be great to have my remains scattered on the field of the Beira-Rio stadium. But I doubt the club’s board would allow it. After all, how many fans would want the same fate? And then there’s the issue of football superstitions. If the team started losing, I’d be blamed as the “unlucky dead” — the ghost haunting the Red Nation. On the other hand, if Internacional won a major title the following year, I’d probably be canonized. Who knows?

Another idea: if we ever build a special house, or find one that feels like home, my ashes could be mixed into the soil of the garden. Imagine being recycled into some fruit or a vegetable — maybe a chayote?

Still, I can already hear the jokes:

– “This orange is too sour!”

– “Hey, wasn’t this orange tree fertilized with what’s-his-name?”

And please, don’t blame me if the chayote turns out tasteless. That part definitely won’t be my fault.

Then there’s the alternative of becoming a flower — but even that might invite sarcastic remarks. I’d probably end up as a fruitless tree or a shrub no one waters.

Sometimes, I think the best option would be to return directly to the earth, without leaving anyone the responsibility of figuring out the “final disposal” of my remains.

And if, by some miracle, this post ends up mattering to anyone in the future, maybe someone will say:

– “Damn it! That guy really messed things up…”

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